Hanging out

 Does, Goes, Hears, Says  1 Response »
Apr 302011
 

It is probably good for adults and youth to have a place where they can go to just hang out with some friends. It should be a place that is convenient and comfortable for everyone in their group. It may be public, like a restaurant or bar, private, like a VFW post or special club, or semi public, like a church or synagogue or mosque. It may be the home of one of the group to which everyone seems to gravitate.

For this type of gathering there is probably no one “in charge”, although there is probably a “host”, if the group meets in someone’s home. There is probably no “official” schedule for meetings of the group, but everyone in the group understands when individuals are usually getting together. Basically the activity of this type of group gathering is very unstructured and informal, except for those activities that promote the common friendship and personal support that is the reason for coming together.

There are probably no “official” rules for such gatherings of friends as they hang out with each other, but some basic rules are probably clearly understood by everyone in the group. One of these is a rule of privacy that what happens and is shared in the group stays in the group. Individuals trust each other not to “gossip” about what they are sharing with each other.

But for the benefit of civic order neither the group or any of its members should be regularly engaged in “illegal” activities. This factor marks the difference between a group that can have positive benefits for its participants and a group that is only a gang of individuals that is out to impose its selfish and brutal will on others.

That is why another one of the basic rules for the positive gathering of friends who just get together to hang out with each other is a rule against compulsion, which means that no one should be forced to participate in any activity or discussion that is contrary to their free choice. Yet, this rule against compulsion has a flip side to it that states that everyone should respect the personal rights and freedom of each friend in the group. This means that individuals have a right to be “different” and to hold different opinions about various matters without such differences becoming personal points of verbal abuse or criticism. Different opinions can thus be discussed without the differences becoming “personal”.

Such groups of friends with which individuals choose to hang out are probably never going to very large, maybe at the most 25-30 individuals. It is difficult to maintain an ongoing consistent friendly relationship with too many individuals at the same time. Such relationships just require a lot of time and energy, which can’t be spread too far. So it is recognized and accepted that within such gatherings of friends it is OK for individuals to have some specially selected individuals who are their personal clique. And the existence of such cliques and the activities and sharing that takes place within them is not seen to hamper or to threaten the bonds of friendship that extend throughout the larger group as they hang out together. It is OK for the same individuals to sit together at the same table at each meeting.

I could suggest some other “rules” and guiding principles for the operation of such gatherings of friends as they hang out together, but I invite you to make any additions to those above that you care to make. What do you think are the positive benefits that come from a gathering of individuals who just like to hang out together? What makes such hanging out together good? What can hamper or damage such groups? Let’s talk about this.

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 Posted by Bob1 at 2:15 pm  Tagged with: a matter of opinion, emotional support, friendship, good feelings, personal support

Good memories

 Believes, Does, Feels, Thinks  No Responses »
Feb 042011
 

Everyone needs to have some good memories. They can give a person a boast on a gloomy day or when you are caught in a depressing mood. And I think that a person must have some good memories in order to form a good self image.  Parts of  various good memories will be used to form your perception of who you are and how you fit into your world.

You don’t have to spend a long time in a reflective thought in order to benefit from a good memory.  Sometimes just the flash of it across your mind will be enough. But it helps if the good memories are vivid enough and strong enough to be easily available when needed.

I assume that good memories are generated by good experiences, which would be experiences in which you received some positive benefit. And good memories probably come out of relationships, so they probably focus on some positive experience that you had with another person. Although I’m sure that it is possible to have a good memory of a time or place or situation when you were alone, and you had a particularly good experience being there by yourself.

Of course good memories are personal treasures. They are absolutely private. No one can invade them, steal them, manipulate them, or even know about them without your permission. Some drugs or psychological techniques can uncover them to others to some extent, but the memories will always be yours.

Photographs and diaries and journals and scrap books and things like those can help to preserve some good memories, but please note that the permanence of such things is never guaranteed. People have lost generations of family photos and personal records in fires and floods and divorces and other personal tragedies. But memories that are stored in one’s mind cannot be destroyed by such circumstances. Dementia caused by Alzheimer’s disease or a stroke or an injury to one’s brain can affect a person’s memories, which often adds a heavy psychological burden to the otherwise physical discomforts of such diseases or injuries. But such personal afflictions are not regular traumas for most people.

So it is well to protect good memories, but what can a person do who may not have many in the first place? A lot of good memories are created by a happy childhood, but not everyone may have had  that blessing.  And sometimes the youth years are full of new tribulations, and the glorious of young adult independence and graduations and weddings and the fulfillment of career ambitions may not be sustained by many good strong memories. What can a person do when the supply of good memories is very scarce?

As long as a person has the mental capacity to make choices, he or she can be selective in what features or experiences in one’s past one wants to dwell upon. If most of your experiences have been negative or not particularly beneficial, don’t go back there very often or stay there very long. Use your present moment for something that is positive. And a good memory may just be buried under a bunch of “garbage” or some “trash” that should have been discarded a long time ago.  Dig through the “garbage” or the “trash” to find that small “gem” of fleeting friendship or personal victory or a moment of laughter that can provide you with a good memory. For some such small “gems”, I invite you to check out some very brief statements that I have written regarding “good news”. You can read them here: good news.

What do you think is the best source of good memories? What are some of the good memories that bless you? How can a person protect them? What can a person do when he or she only has a very few in his or her “treasure” chest. Let’s talk about this.

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 Posted by Bob1 at 1:10 pm  Tagged with: a matter of opinion, Alzheimer's disease, dementia, depression, encouragement, good feelings, memories, moods, personal treasures, relationships

A good home

 About where one, Buys, Lives, Receives  No Responses »
Dec 122010
 

Home is a special place, and of course everyone wants one that is good. But no one has the privilege of choosing the home into which he or she is born. And during the first decade or so of one’s life, there isn’t much that anyone can do to change one’s home.

It is nice if one’s home is comfortable, cozy and warm when it needs to be and fresh and cool when it needs to be. It is generally expected that one’s home is a safe place in which to be. And that safety would probably be provided by the adult residents of the home who love each other and you and your siblings. So a home is expected to be a comfortable and safe place in which a family can live in loving relationships. It is these qualities that make a home different than a house, which is only a physical structure.

But everyone may not have a good home, a special place where they can be comfortable and safe. Some people today are “homeless”, which means that they don’t have a personal permanent comfortable and safe place in which to live. Some infants and young boys and girls have been denied the blessings of living in the home of the parents to whom they were born, so they are orphans. Maybe some of them have been adopted by other adults who will provide them with a home, which should be a comfortable and safe and loving place in which they live.

In this holiday season of the year, and during this time of extensive economic stress and uncertainty, it is well to give some thought to what makes for a good home. What makes your home good? How much “stuff” does it take to make a home good? What could make it better? Let’s talk about this.

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 Posted by Bob1 at 4:57 pm  Tagged with: dependent relationship, economic stress, family members, financial crisis, good feelings, homeless, orphans, relationships

Good personal freedom

 General  1 Response »
Nov 242010
 

Bristol Palin received a lot of support and credit for the progress that she made in her ability to freely express herself on the stage of dancing with the stars during this year’s contest. Her transition from a shy non-dancer to an expressive amateur dancer was apparent to everyone who watched her week after week. And she admitted the challenge of this transition in many of her personal comments during numerous interviews.

While she can be admired for demonstrating some growth in her personal abilities to freely express herself, I think that it is well for her and for us to recognize that there is a big difference between a young woman’s freedom to “shake her bootie” and her freedom to restrain from using her sex appeal to manipulate others and to draw inappropriate attention to herself. I hope that Bristol hasn’t lost her sense of modesty in her transition.

Personal freedom not only affects one’s sexual attitudes toward themselves and others, but it has a lot of effect on other aspects of our lives as well. It would be well to recognize that there is a big difference between being free to vote and being free from self-serving desires for financial benefits and power when one votes. There is a big difference between being free from the fear of flying and being free from the requirement to be searched before boarding a plane. There is a big difference between a plane that is free to cruise through the air from the thrust of its powerful jet engines and a plane that is cruising through the air free from the controls of its rudder and ailerons. Some people in Iraq and other places in the world are learning that there is a big difference between the personal freedoms that are offered in a democratic form of government and those that are offered by a dictator, even one who may have some popular support.

It is well to recognize that good personal freedom should be modified by good self control. To be free of many of such controls is to be “out of control” and no longer “free”. Most of us want our children to grow up to be free independent men and women, but the process of reaching a mature level of personal freedom is not easy for anyone. And there is a big difference between being “free” and being “driven” in one’s life.

What are the qualities of good personal freedom that you prize for yourself and your children? Let’s talk about this.

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 Posted by Bob1 at 2:27 pm  Tagged with: a matter of opinion, enjoyable entertainment, good feelings, life style factors, personal attitudes, personal freedoms, popularity, self control, self image, sex appeal

A good self image

 Believes, Does, Feels, Sees, Thinks, Wants  1 Response »
Oct 302010
 

Everyone needs to feel good about themselves. But such feelings are not acquired automatically. They begin to be felt as a growing child develops a sense of his or her place as an individual in the social structure of a family. The initial feelings are generated by the child’s perceived relationship with his or her parents and how they treat him or her. The child knows that it is good to be cared for and loved, so initially that produces a good self image. But then as the situation in the home changes, another child or more enters the social circle and the issue of competition is felt, the initial good feelings may be impaired or threatened. Or the busy schedule of the parents begins to interfere with the caring attention that they can give to the child, and he or she may begin to wonder why and conclude that something must be wrong with him or her. And this effort to be loved and to be accepted in one’s social circle continues as the child’s circle of other individuals expands to include other relatives, other children outside of the family, classmates in school, and associates in the work place. An individual is constantly striving to achieve and to maintain a good self image.

Part of your self image is generated by how you are treated by others. But it is also affected by what you see when you look into a mirror. In one’s struggle to achieve and to maintain a good self image, when that image is damaged or impaired, it is natural to begin to wonder what is wrong. And one of the first places an insecure person may look for an answer to this question is in a mirror. They may conclude that there must be something wrong with the way I look that causes people around me to reject me or to be mean to me or to withdraw their love from me. Individuals who are going through such a crisis of appearance may go to a lot of effort and expense to try to improve how they look so that they can win the acceptance of those who are important to them in their social circle.

Or if they are a child with limited resources to make some changes that they think might help to solve this problem, they may become depressed or very angry with their inability to improve their social situation and their self image. We all know individuals who are struggling with poor self images or we have gone through times of such struggles ourselves. Perhaps we’ve seen the struggle in our teen-aged children as they try to find their places in a very critical crowd of other teenagers. Or we face the issue and the questions as we try to adjust to a broken marriage or a lost job.

And in many cases where an individual is struggling with a poor self image, he or she seeks to find something that will enable him or her to escape the bad feelings, something that will dull the pains, cloud the bad image in the mirror, or attract some attention that may for a moment provide some experience of being accepted. For many girls and women that personal commodity is sex. For many boys and men the solution to this problem is found in drugs or violence.

What do you think helps a person to develop and to maintain a good self image? What can a person do to correct a poor self image? What should parents be doing to help their children grow up with a good self image? Let’s talk about this.

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 Posted by Bob1 at 4:45 pm  Tagged with: a matter of opinion, depression, family members, good feelings, moods, personal attitudes, psychological problems, relationship, relationships, self image
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